It is getting way easier.
It is coming far more naturally.
I am liking how this feels more and more and more.
I am wondering with pleasure, impishness and real curiosity exactly how far this might go.
It was not always easy for me to have my boy do the things for me that I can efficiently do for myself. I have spent my entire adult life doing the things that need to be done. From the mundane to the extra curricula, I’ve been one of those people who is task oriented, and someone who writes and completes lists of things to be accomplished.
When I work alone, I am ensured that things will be done to my standards, that things will be done the way I want them done, and I won’t have to compromise with someone when I don’t really want to compromise. Someone elses’ way is not the ‘wrong’ way. It just not be the way I want it done.
Or grocery shopping.
I can envision what I want the end result to be, and I don’t really see anything else. This has served me well enough in my life, and I am not unhappy I have chosen to be this way. It doesn’t make me anti-social, it doesn’t make me crazy, and it doesn’t make me unappreciative of others.
But I also know that my standards for things can be unnecessary, and that without intending to, I can take away the super power of someone else who wants to help.
Like my boy.
More times than I can recall over the past couple of years, he has come upon me doing a task, and he will look at me with some hybrid of an expression, and what I see in his eyes says more than the words that befall me. He will say to me quietly, “I can do that, Ma’am”, and I will realize that I am taking away an opportunity for him to serve.
I have needed the time to settle on these thoughts. I have had to wrestle away the guilt of doing little while he does much.
I don’t want to be lazy, and I won’t be lazy with certain things, but I am also understanding how personalized a service oriented person can be.
My boy likes service. I am beginning to understand he needs it on some level. A good level. A large level, perhaps. A healthy, comfortable, happy level.
I am trusting his desire to serve. I am trusting the good psychology of it.
And I am smack-dab in the middle of fully and truly realizing how wonderful this really is.
Something inside of me is waking up. Perhaps it is a confidence, perhaps it is a permission, but whatever it is, it is coming fully, readily and easily.
It also comes with baggage. Lots of baggage. Really, really good baggage.
Bags filled with toys.
Bags filled with fantasies.
Bags filled with opportunity.
Bags filled with creativity and purpose.
Together, we seem to be unpacking this gear.
Of course, we will do it MY way, but indeed, we are doing it together.
I want to write more, but I am out of time for now. I wanted this post to be sexier, hotter, even raunchier, but it seems that I needed to say this stuff first. I am feeling done with the internal wrestling. I am feeling good that I have taken the time to see this all unfold, and to let this part of our relationship go where it naturally wants to go.
My boys wants to serve.
Oh wow…..I am sooo ready for this.