Work has been absolute madness for some few weeks and then to add in an unexpected medical issue* which has, in some ways, deflated my libido, and there’s been little time for much blogging either. Usually, once I hit the office and catch up on the email, I can sneak in, write up a quick post and get it out to publish before all the rest of the office gets caught up on their own email and starts asking me for things. It’s great to feel wanted, but it seems there’s never enough time to get my own things done. I’ve had one work project languishing since May!
But you’re not here to hear about my woes at work and cow-orkers, after all, bitching about cow-orkers is what LiveJournal is for! This is a sexy blog! And you want sex! And power exchange too. I get that. And that’s what I’m here for.
Madame occasionally needs her fix, as you’ve read about. And I am happy to give it to her. And the other night I did. She did go for the ice cream and cola dinner plan, which was a horrible choice. And she deserved the spanking she got. She also deserved the hard pounding she got as well – although the pounding part didn’t happen until next morning – as we were both beyond tired by the time she came home (and AFTER curfew… even though Chloe does not really have a curfew). I do enjoy my time when we turn the tables and I take over. Some people have wondered and inquired about it. Let me explain.
When I’m in a toppy space, I have a very different energy about me. Sexually, if I’m turned on while toppy, I get into a nice place where I stay in the arousal stage for as long as I want. I may move from arousal to plateau and back again, but I don’t go up to the orgasm stage. And the fact that I don’t go up into orgasm stage is what can send Chloe over the edge. When I’m toppy, I can, and will, fuck with her for hours if I want to. I may take breaks, I may relax, I may soften and do other things, but I’ll soon decide I want to fuck some more and I’ll just go back to pounding her. Sometimes, when she’s feeling particularly cheeky and I’m fucking her that way, she’ll start trying to use those words that she uses when SHE is on top – verbal cues when I’m on the bottom will quickly push me into the orgasm stage. So, sometimes I’ll stuff panties in her mouth or choke her or cover her with a pillow, just so she can’t talk to me. Sometimes I know she talks like that to play with me and sometimes I know she’s doing it because she is tired of being fucked. She really wants me to stop. And so I keep fucking her, of course.
But some would ask “Well, what do you get from being a dominant person to a submissive?” Good question. I definitely have a part of me that does enjoy topping. I also have a sadistic side of me that enjoys the idea of torture. So much so that I rarely go there, and almost never with Chloe. I have a block in my mind that really prevents me from torturing Chloe – I think because I love her too much. But there is a part of me that does think about torturing her… or another… and I can do it in a BDSM context, a consensual thing, but it’s a hard one to do in most cases. There are neighbors and others in a house and other concerns that really prevent a proper torture scene. So it’s hard to pull that off. And really, in any “public” dungeon, lots of torture can be seen as too extreme for the rest of the dungeon occupants. It’s hard to find the right place to do such things.
What else do I get from being on the top side? I do enjoy it personally and sexually. If I want to, I can push myself over the edge, most times, and push myself into orgasm stage. It usually takes some good concentration on feeling very good while fucking, but I can make it happen. I can think of a couple times I’ve been really able to make that happen. And for some on the bottom, me achieving orgasm is part of THEIR trip, so it’s unfair to deny them that, if that’s what they’re looking for.
And yes, there’s a part of my service oriented self that likes hurting people because they want to be hurt, in the sexiest of ways, of course. I have the capacity to do that. I can be very happily sadistic if I know the partner I am playing with wants it. I consider it a service, and it turns me on in a different way. And there’s another part that also likes fucking people who like to be fucked hard and relentlessly.
How does Chloe feel? Well, she’s mentioned it a bit, but not really gone into depth, but she does enjoy watching me. Sometimes it’s at a distance, sometimes I know she’s watching, sometimes I don’t. And sometimes I know she’s watching and she doesn’t know I know. ;) And I think of her getting wet and thinking all the dirty thoughts she has about it. Because I know that my topping someone else is a big turn on for her.
When I play as a top in public, I know that it’s not supposed to be something that people admit to liking, but I do enjoy knowing that people are watching. I have a performer’s mindset sometimes, and I do know that I should, at least, expect to be watched while we’re in parties or events. And I will do things that I know look good, but only if I know they’re still safe. I enjoy being watched and I enjoy that my partner in the moment is being watched. I get off on knowing that it’s her- tied, legs spread, taking a beating from my flogger or cane that people are seeing. They see the cane being applied and watch her ass or thighs react. And they get to see her pussy dampen, swell and open like a flower as the pain arouses her. I like presenting her to the others that way, exposing her to the gazing eyes of others. It is, indeed, a beautiful thing to behold, watching a woman get turned on by getting beaten. And the sounds of her cries… oh wow. There is a lot of emotion in that for me too. All of this adds up. But yes, I admit, I can perform to the crowd if that is the opportunity.
“Now wait a moment!” some might say. “You’re not paying 100% attention to your partner! That’s irresponsible!” Okay, you can say that if you’d like. I negotiate with my partners. They know me from others or hopefully from seeing me play. We talk about things I might do, things they do NOT want me to do and things I CAN NOT do. And from that point, they also have a safe word. Partners that choose to play with me can ask anyone I’ve played with how I play. And with rare exception (I can think of one situation… ) I think everyone has had a wonderfully splendid time playing. But I play at events often in both submissive and dominant capacity. If someone’s interested in playing and hasn’t had a chance to watch me, I’ll be happy to let them watch a scene before they make their decision. While we talk about SSC and RACK all the time, I like to consider RASH, Risk Aware, Shit happens, as a good manner of negotiating play. I find fellow RASH players to be good partners. I do not expect that I can fully anticipate any and all contingencies that will happen within a scene. I can consider risks and try to mitigate them to the best of my ability and will do anything I can to help someone who falls into distress within a scene (even another person’s scene if I see it go bad!), but nobody… NOBODY can anticipate it all. And yes, back to the point of this paragraph, I do let people watch. And I know people watch. And I do pay some attention to the people watching. And if they’re wanting the show, they get the show. Now, I won’t ignore my partner. They’re still going to get the primary attention. The touches. They’ll get whispers. They’ll get the kisses of my lips as well as the kiss of the cane, but I’m going to smile at the person over there when I hear them go “Oh SHIT!” with a muffled shout because of a particularly vicious strike of the rattan. Yes, I do that. And I know that the partner I’ve just struck also hear the “Oh Shit” and is reacting in her own way as well. We who play in public do so for a reason. And it’s because we like being displayed and we like others to watch us. And other people watching is part of the scene. And yep, I admit to playing to that.
But, then, after I say all of that about playing to the crowd, I’ll also say that I’ll be the first one to brush off a voyeur if you come up to me after the beating part of the scene has ended and you want to talk about my canes or my technique. I’ve got aftercare to administer – which isn’t “after the scene” to me, it’s still part of it. And most often, that’s something that I want to do with my partner and give them the focus and attention they need. And sometimes that’s 100% attention. And sometimes it’s coffee and a blowjob. And sometimes it’s a quick hug and they’re off to go shine shoes. But it’s still a part of the scene and something that needs to be given 100% attention. Of course, if she’s having conversation with others, that’s fine and I’ll do the same.
So, does that explain some of what I am and who I am when I’m on the top side of things? Does that help explain what I get from me being in that place? I hope so. More pointed questions? Feel free to comment. I’ll respond. As will Chloe.
* It’s small, but particularly annoying and I am recovering as expected, slowly. The recovery has its own annoyances which are boring to all but the most weirdly curious.