In the last line of john’s last post, he refers to me as a beautiful, sadistic, torturing bitch. I find that to be an enormous compliment, and I feel delighted that he sees me as that way. It IS how I see myself at times. It IS how I feel most of the time. And it DOES inspire more of the very same.
But my very first, initial response is to discredit the comment. My own personal saboteur (that bastard of a devil that sits on one’s shoulder and says we’re not good enough, not smart enough, and fills us with self doubt) can get in my way if I let it. That is often the struggle with me….not to let it. More and more, I am making that saboteur go away. I am chasing it away. And I am winning. The saboteur gets less attention and john gets more. It’s a “win-win” for everyone!
But this post is not about that. It is not about what I can’t do, but rather, what I can do. What I want to do. And how I delight in sadism.
I am sadistic. I don’t have to be this way, but more and more, it grows within me. Sadism is different things to different people, but we can all pretty much agree on a generic definition of it. My pleasure is sexual sadism. I am also a big fan of one fingered sadism. More on that in a moment.
I am finding more and more that my sadism comes in short bursts. I would much prefer to engage in 20 little moments of sexual sadism throughout a day and night, than to have one big moment. At this point, I think my boys’ body is trained to a biological rhythm. I get up early, and always have. At around 7:30am, I come into the bedroom each morning to start the process of waking him. john is a slow riser. It takes him time to wake up….his systems slowing rising through the depths of slumber.
I am the opposite, completely. The minute my eyes open, I am alert and at high levels of functioning. Our best kink is the morning because of this.
I will go into the bedroom at 7:30am, and john will be sound asleep. I can tell by his body, his breathing, that he is no where near waking. And yet, as I peel back the covers to reveal is naked and collared body, his cock will be completely erect. Hard as a rock. This is not a “need to pee” hard on. It is a hard on because his body has become attuned to varying amounts of morning torture that I inflict upon him almost daily.
I am not typically creative with my moments of morning torture. I don’t feel I need to be. Generally, though, there is a lot of nipple biting or pinching, cock pumping and squeezing. Certainly ball torture. That’s among my most favorite things. I love how full his balls become after 50 or 70 or 90 days of not being allowed to cum. The days in between his being allowed to cum are long. The torture of his parts and bits is daily.
And the one finger thing?? I can inflict a lot of discomfort with one finger. My hands are my most favorite toys. I keep my nails long and manicured. Not polished, but shaped. My hands can bring pleasure to my boy, and I can also make him cry. There are times when I have a certain look upon my face, and I hold up one finger to him, and he’ll start to retreat and whimper. Poor boy…..this only feeds my fire…..don’t you know that??
I would like my boy to have other experiences with torture. I am working on that. He has his lover, the very talented Lady J, who helps greatly to contribute to his suffering when opportunity permits them to get together. But finding something closer to home would be good too. I am actively working on that. In addition to bringing both t and p along in how I want them to serve, I have this to look forward to as well. And….then….well…I have my own private, sexy, scary, ventures I am considering. More on that within a few days.
I have several sticks in the fire. john should be careful….those sticks will burn when they become pressed against him.