Just perfect

We all may strive for perfection. But to expect it is a little beyond normal expectation. It’s okay that we don’t make it to perfection all the time. And yes, this is in relation to my last post, so let me clear things up.

Nude man in the snow

Nude man in the snow

This weekend was good, until the end where things went very weirdly pear shaped. I was angry and frustrated, but mostly angry. Communication with Mistress was through our cell phones as she was on a whirlwind tour of the Northeast. While I waited impatiently for things* to trickle down and people to move around and pieces of the puzzle to slide here and there and get me to a safe place, she called me. I ranted. I was angry. And I let her know. I was angry with the world, with specific things, with non-specific things, and I ranted.

And here’s where the imperfection came in. She tried to pull on the leash and get me to heel. She tried to yank me back into a reality where I was more controlled and composed but it didn’t have the effect that she wanted – that I needed. And that’s where, in retrospect, my kink frustration lies.

With her as the Mistress and I as her slave, she should be able to pull on the leash from anywhere and get the behavior she expects. And that’s where I failed. And it’s not anyone’s fault but mine. I have a history of anger taking me over far more than it should. I’ve worked on it and gotten much better but it comes out from time to time. And in this instance it came out in front of my children which is the hardest part of it all. Our great weekend ended on a sour note**. And I was frustrated with myself, with others and let it out in front of them. And I don’t like that. And she doesn’t like it. And she tried to rein me in, but it didn’t take.

So, I posted angrily and upset to the blog which is something I shouldn’t do. You, dear reader, don’t need to see that kind of thing! And heck, with the confusing message, it doesn’t serve anyone. In one of my previous lives where I did “wandering cast member” at a Renaissance Faire, we would call it “actorbation” – because it satisfies nobody but the actor – and even then, does it really? And it does nothing to serve anyone else, it only serves the actor. Or, in this case, the guy ranting.

I came up with more related to this post last night, but between last night, sleep, waking and coffee, it still hasn’t returned to my mind. Consider this post my explanation for the previous post wherein I was a bit vague. I learn, as I try to write more regularly, that sometimes good ideas come to me and slip away before I make note of them. I’m working on being better about that part too. Will try to make it more fun in the very near future.

 


 

*Things – aka all the craptastic stuff that happened Sunday night. This is where the vaguebooking happens, as I’m not about to lay it ALL out on the table, there’s some measure of privacy we should all maintain, yes?

**F-bomb laden tirades are always a sour note

2 thoughts on “Just perfect

  1. I like this post. I love you. It will be ok. What is down must come up, and you are right….you do so much better with this stuff, and you will continue to do so. You are still my dog. My boy. My slave. You are allowed hard days. Just don’t forget I expect things of you, even when the chips are down for you. Your cache of them will rebuild. And I’ll be beside you the whole time. xoxo

  2. I disagree that your upset posting accomplished nothing. These are feelings W/we struggle with. They are our reality; this is the stuff of O/our lives. It takes a long time to work out D/s methods of handling the big emotions. It’s not all sexy fun well-recounted. I think it’s completely appropriate to share it in the blog. I even think it is necessary. If you self-censor (and that’s what it is, self censorship), then readers will think their own failures and struggles must be unusual… And when their own moments happen, they will feel even more a failure by measuring themselves against a sanitized standard. I think you help others by being public about the messy and un-sexy stuff. If we aren’t being real, then all we accomplish is creating free porn for ourselves. I aspire to more and I suspect you do too.

    So forgive yourself your failure to be the slaviest slave who ever slaved this weekend. Accept your Madam’s forgiveness; She gets to decide after all. Forgive yourself for not writing a perfectly slavey-sexy blog for the readers you imagine demand only a fantasy. And then, take comfort and be proud, in the good thing your new level of self-acceptance has done.

    As they say in the movies: it is hard. But the hard is what makes it great.

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