My boy left last night to head north for the weekend. He is off to spend time with his family- his boys and their mom. For the sake of this post, and privacy, I’ll call her Adina. Pup left when the rest of the housemates were all home, enjoying a make shift happy hour, celebrating the return of our roommate. He made us a round of Manhattans and then hit the road. We all stayed in last night, ordered take out and placed dice games until bedtime.
I happily leapt into bed, sleepy and satiated. I took a moment to look at our nest before settling in. One of the requirements of my pet is that he makes the bed every day which he does. Without fail. Lovingly, carefully, nicely. It takes a few moments to pull off all of the pillows we don’t use, to arrange all of the sleeping things I like and love.
I got into bed and noticed right away that my boy had left behind his favorite pillow, his pajama bottoms, his collar. The biggest thing that was still here was his steel cage that he is typically locked into when he leaves. The other things he left behind were over-sites on his part. The cage, however, was my bad. I had had a really intense day at work- the kind of day that leaves your brain going, “Wow. W O W ! ! ! Did that really just happen??!!”. Admittedly, I was distracted and my boy left without being locked up. After a decade of being together, stuff like that is going to happen from time to time.
It felt very strange to me to have all of his things here and him gone. It felt to me as though he was sent away naked. I didn’t send him away, and he certainly didn’t pull out of the driveway with no clothes on, but that is how it felt. I don’t know why, but when I conjured up thoughts of him, I saw him in my mind as naked slave, which goes beyond collared boy.
I am able to separate him in my mind. I know he headed north to be dad and ex partner to his awesome ex partner. And this brings me joy. He is an awesome dad, and I know how much he loves to be around his boys. His ex wife is a bit different for me, thought. And what I’m about to share is very personal. No matter where he goes in life, he is my property, my boy, my possession. This we know. But for some reason, when he heads north to be with his family (and yes, his ex is very much his family), I picture him being two things at once: the dad that he is, and a slave when he is up there. Why do I view it that way? Because I want him to work hard when he is up there. Because Adina works her ass off and probably needs and appreciates the help. Here’s where it could feel sticky if I let it (which I don’t, to be honest):
My private thoughts are that my boy is a slave to all women. Her especially included. I think it feels sticky because she doesn’t know that I feel this way, and because I involve her in the private wanderings of my overactive mind, I almost feel that my thinking violates her consent. I know that thoughts are okay and that behaviors are limited, which is why I allow my thoughts to wander in these ways. And I do. I allow them. I want him to be up there and I want him to do all sorts of things and stuff for her. For them. I want him working hard for a woman who works hard. I want him to quietly and diligently go about his days and hours in silent service. I want him to do tasks. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, heavy lifting, organizing. If he was wearing a collar, even discreetly, it would feel as though he was wearing MY collar, and therefore, I would be marking MY property. But when he heads up there with nothing…..no collar, no cage, no trappings, he becomes universal slave. Because, the point is, he is always slave. I use the word ‘boy’ more often than not, but truly, we live this way 24/7 with a range of volume associated with it, but he never gets to ‘take off’ the invisible collar that marks him as property. He is tattooed with my mark and wears a 24/7 collar (bracelet) that he never takes off. This is enough at time. And this weekend, as he spends time with his family, it is plenty.
The image below is the every day collar my boy wears. I have spend consistent time throughout my life in the Caribbean, and I love it there. By wearing this as he does, with the hook pointed towards his heart, it means he is taken. It represents that I am his owner. It represents that he is taken. It is a part of me and my past and love of the sea, and I gave it to him. I have one too. We have hooked each other. :-)