Anger, frustration, depression

I get anger over work issues. It’s exceptionally frustrating at work sometimes. I work in the non-profit sector. I deal with other people in other companies and I deal with lots of people inside our company. And I have a boss. And he has a boss. I am responsible for scheduling in my department – scheduling that MUST occur. Nobody can be missing. And I get all the excuses, reasons, requests, desires, etc. And then there are reasons why people need me to change staffing. We have X project or Y event and I’m the one that needs to wrangle people. And people are a fucking pain in the ass, often. But I also handle some automation. And it usually works without a hitch. Until the people (you remember the people, right?) start fucking with it… I also have people in other groups poking at things which make my world harder. It’s quite the balance and usually I make it happen and all is well. It has not been all well for a while.

In my family world, things have been shook up. I’ve discovered a long lost relative which presents me with some big questions and possibly some even harder truths that might be at hand. I’m sorry to “vague blog”, but I don’t know if all the detail is necessary. But it makes me feel like some of my family may have been terribly abused and it puts me at odds. I’m angry about it and I’m also showing some depression from it. I’m not getting into a deeper clinical depression, but just a depression that let’s itself be known and puts me in a down mindset. Chloe knows. She knows the reason. And I think she knows that I just have to work through it.

And to be honest, I think that the current political climate in Washington and our new President has put a few shovel fulls of depression into my world. It’s hard for me to grasp some of the things that he and his appointees and the general public are pressing. Completely illogical reasoning on doing some of the things and people just going along with it. The demise of intellectual conversation and the deeper divisions being dug between the sides. The disappearance of science. The degradation of fact. The whitewashing of history. All of this adds to my frustration and feeling of helplessness.

With all this, it’s not an easy place to be for a submissive. I know that it’s affecting our life. I know it’s affecting our interactions. I am thrilled to have Chloe’s love, affection and support, now more than ever. I could retreat into a super full service mode, but then Chloe loses her companion in me. I could withdraw completely from her, but then Chloe loses her service and that adds to my depression. I think she has been dealing with it well. She is giving me space on social activities, letting me spend some time with myself and with an occasional game or just getting away. She’s also doing some little things to remind me of our dynamic. As I write this in the nearby coffee shop, I am wearing the panties she selected for me this morning and left on the bed. The taste of her nether regions was only recently washed away with some Chai and some food, as she woke me to her pussy hovering over my face this morning.

And all this also affects my other relationships. Someone hoping to talk to me about an upcoming event has not been contacted and I’m almost afraid to reach out to the long lost relative because of “what I know” and what they “do not know”. I’m being kind of “Benzite-ian” (Star Trek TNG) in my approach with some of this family stuff, not divulging some things without having all the detail and a possible solution – though I know there may not be a solution – just a lot of information to share. But I want all the information before I share. And it affects my volunteer efforts as well, causing me to procrastinate on them for fear of failure which will only bring about failure. Yeah, not helping myself out.


So, I’m at a loss. No, I’m really not. I’m not at a loss. I’m a little depressed, I’m a bit angry about some stuff and I’m frustrated as hell. I’m not worried about any sexual frustration – as that’s NOT a problem, in fact, sexual activity has also been not in the forefront of my mind either, though I try.

These are all first world problems (except Washington – that can easily affect 2nd and 3rd worlds). I really have nothing proper to complain about. So, I can try to be more positive, get off this train of anger and frustration and kick my own ass out of depression before it goes deeper. It’s not a terrible set of circumstances. I’m terribly fortunate overall and grateful for that.

Let’s see how the weekend goes. I’m optimistic and hopeful. Who knows, maybe Chloe will take me for a walk in the woods to acquire naked January. ;)

Manic depressive

Okay, so that’s a misleading title, I know.  I am not Manic Depressive in a clinical sense but I’m being forced through it. Manic because work these days; due to ‘changes’ and the world environment, is manic, moving me from project A to B to C and back again in myriad combinations. I’m okay with that, to an extent, but it’s quickly ramping up to be a continuing manic state the next two months. And the head of technology just threw down some more changes which not just change assumptions about the aforementioned projects, but change the workload drastically.

Now, on the depression side, I realized a couple days ago I was getting depressed. It’s because Chloe is away and has been for a week or so. She comes back today. It’s not a big depression, but I know it’s there. My eating habits changed, my sleep schedule is completely fucked and despite the loss of 2 pounds over the previous week, I’m back up again having gained that 2 pounds back. WTF body?! Damn it!

So, the depressed part should get better once she gets back. Sleeping next to her is far more comfortable than without. We fit together so well in bed. Sometimes we spoon and sleep that way for hours without moving.

So, I go from being the sad dog face to manic employee and back again all. day. long. And for days at a time.

I have to say, I’m looking forward to spring and warmer temperatures. And more sunshine. But for now, I’ll just keep Marching through (see what I did there?) and get to April, where the work schedule will continue to ramp up, at least until May 9 when “Things Happen” at the day job.

I’m very much looking forward to the collar, the leash and the Mistress all being back in place where they belong tonight.