Apart

I am away for almost two weeks. The last time I was apart from Chloe, it was only one week and was a conference in Vegas. So far I’ve been gone one out of the two weeks.

This time I am not alone but have my kids with me. Kids that I don’t see as often as I used to and I try to make up for that with giving them good experiences, which make me focus on them while I’m with them and not other things. It’s not possible to forget about Chloe, but it is possible to be focusing on other things that make me not want or need sex so much. At the beginning of this trip, I was taking advantage of time alone and stroking the long denied cock, because I could and because I wanted to feel that pleasure. That’s gradually trailed off to this morning where I didn’t even bother to touch it at all, outside of the normal guy scratching his nuts when he wakes up.

So, while I’ve been away, my sex drive has dropped, which is okay, because I don’t have a Chloe nearby – to tease me, to deny me or for me to please. So, given that any jacking off will be incomplete, there’s little point in doing so for myself. It’s so much better when I’m able to bring her pleasure and she gets to decide whether I’m going to get any direct pleasure myself.

But I was just commenting to Madame this morning via text that it’s good to miss each other. If we were not apart, we wouldn’t know what we are missing. And that’s a good thing. If I were indifferent about my being apart from her, that would tell a much different tale. A sad tale, to be honest. It would be like my oldest son who has a “girlfriend” with whom he does very little, but doesn’t, as far as I have heard, reach out to her when they’re apart. But that’s young love, they have a different idea of things and that’s okay. They need to learn more aspects of what love is and is not.

But with Madame and I, well, she wrote last night how incredibly horny she was for me. And I too have written similar things back over the past week. We both go to bed at night clutching something that is not our partner. Clutching a pillow does not make a suitable substitute. There is no substitute at all for her being able to clutch her cock and balls while I pet her to sleep. We fit so well together at night that it’s something neither of us can replicate on our own or with any other partner. Even when she has visited other men, she doesn’t sleep in bed with them like she does with me. They don’t spoon like she and I do. And they don’t pet her back and backside like I do.

We simply cannot find substitute nor do we want to find substitute for each other. And the fact that we miss each other is an excellent thing to show us that we are, in fact, the right people for each other. Missing each other hurts, but without it, we wouldn’t have beautiful reunions and beautiful moments of pressing our bodies together again when we reunite.

Missing each other hurts, but the alternative – not caring that we are apart – would be a far worse fate for not just the two of us, but our relationship. So, I miss you Madame, very much. I know we have another week before I return, but “Always toward absent lovers, love’s tide stronger flows.”

Incentive and a partner’s role

I’m looking to see how we might leverage our FLM toward influencing me to lose weight. Yeah, I know. I know. If I’m not motivated to do it, I won’t do it, no matter what a woman in my life tells me. And no matter what incentive she uses. And it’s unfair of me to expect my partner to do such a thing. And it’ll create havoc in my relationship as we both become bitter with each other expecting too much and getting too little. And that’s not good.

So, I know the bad part of it.

But, let me make a sideways move from there. So far, Chloe and I have played with chastity a lot. On again, off again. And it’s come down lately to points where I will lock myself up and let her know and she’ll always approve. And then I’ll hope she’ll unlock me that evening or the next morning. It’s worked well. It’s a more casual method of using chastity and it’s been working. And yes, there are times when I wish she’d just say “You should be locked up today…” and have her make sure I am. I think it’s hot. (Yes, if I were really about service, it would not matter if I thought it was hot)

So, how about if I set myself my own goals, include my own “punishments” and Chloe can be involved as she wants, but she can also be in the backseat as well, just watching me “deal” with things? Well, here are the problems with that.

  • I can’t beat myself. If I’m really going to take a beating as a punishment, I can’t do it myself. That inflicts my punishment on Chloe.
  • She likes my cock. No, she loves my cock. If I’m locked up and she wants me to fuck her, I’ll inflict my punishment on her.
  • It’s feeeeeeeeels better if she does it. But honestly, I know I have to motivate myself and it’s not about how I “feeeeeeeel” about it, but it’s about motivating myself to exercise, lose weight and be more fit and like myself more. And in turn, Chloe may like my new shaped body more.

So, I think, what I need to do is…

Come up with some incentives to myself. I get “this” if I am on track. I get “that” if I am not on track. If I reach a goal, I would like “THIS” and I have until X to reach the goal. If I fail that goal, I don’t get the reward. But I don’t think punishment should take over if I fail that goal… We’ll have to see.

I know, absolutely, that I need to talk more with Chloe about this. I think expressing this kind of thing offer a little bit of “confessional debugging” – wherein the confession is what leads to the possible solution. And that has worked for me rather well, for some time.

The comfort of our kink

There is definitely something to be said for the comfort within a kinky relationship.

I remain confident in several things.

I will come home, turn the heat up, strip and put on my collar. Because that’s what she expects. It’s a bonus that it’s what I enjoy.

I will expect to receive punishment for my failing to put away her clothes this morning. Some of these routine items I am still getting used to. I cannot be perfect and while I strive for it, I’m not able to achieve it all the time. (Really, she sometimes has to nit pick deep to find failures – this makes me smile).

I know that, despite any punishment, despite any treatment, despite the fact that I might even have to spend the night on the floor, she will welcome me back to the bed. She will miss me not being in the bed. She would rather I be in the bed.

 

So…

 

Despite the shitty facebook posts from people who have opinions I cannot reconcile…
Despite work being busier than I can reasonably handle…
Despite work deadlines slipping to months delayed (not completely my fault)…
Despite family pressures that hurt me because I feel so entirely helpless and 2100 miles away (that’s the length of the Appalachian Trail, you know!)…
Despite shitty weather…
Despite frustrations with my volunteering efforts…

I can rely on the above positive things in my relationship with my Mistress.

I can expect her to blister my ass and make me suffer tonight. I failed in my regular duties and deserve punishment. I can expect her to love me and hold me if I cry. I can expect that my skin will be tended to should it break. And I can expect the consistency of being the one to take care of the kitchen in the morning despite tonight’s punishments.

I can count on my Mistress to love me, even if she hurts me. I can expect her to hold me when I whimper and cry. I can expect her to hold me to high standards. And I can absolutely count on her to love me, regardless of any of the crap that life has beating on me. I love serving her and loving her. I am happy to be her toy and slave.

And that’s worth so very much. When the rest is falling apart, I have something consistent to fall back on.