I have found myself in a different state around women in general. I yield. Very often. In the office, I’ll often yield to the ladies in the office (we’re about a 60/40 split F/m) and also at home I nearly always yield as well.
What do I mean yield? Mostly I’m talking about movement. At the office, yielding to the coffee pot, to the tricky blind corner around the reception desk, the doors, etc. At home, with the exception of in the kitchen (because hot things are hot and all the roommates know kitchens as their means of income in some way), I’m yielding. Steps, doors, etc. And even with some things in the kitchen. Though we generally have a “You cook, I clean…” deal, more often than not, if I cook, I’m helping with cleaning or leading most of it. (I did take the Christmas eve dinner cleanup OFF, however! I did cook for 6 hours – and other men cleaned up!).
It doesn’t generally happen in the car because identifying women in the car is just not enough time to process and to assume anything. At least in the office and home everyone’s genders are known.
In general with driving I’ve slowed down so while I’m not giving it away on the road, I’m following most of the rules and waiting my turn at the annoying four way stops. There’s just not enough time to do proper evaluation in a car. It could get messy too easily.
So, well, how is this different?
Well, I’ve become more in touch with my slave side lately. I have put off more of the things that make me happy and tried to ask less of Chloe when we’re playing. I’ve tried to keep up on the things she asks me to do. I’ve tried to impose less on her in general and try to help with more. I’m fully in acceptance of my sexual denial and consider the teasing a very fun thing that I look forward to. I’m perfectly happy to wait for the occasional orgasm that sneaks through and enjoy those as opposed to wanting to cum. (Remember, I can do orgasm w/out ejaculation – and it’s pretty awesome). And I’m also perfectly happy to pleasure my partner and let them roll over and sleep if they want. Frustrating, yes, but part of what I’m there for.
Now, what’s the problem with that John? Well, nothing. But…
(See, there it is!)
But it’s been offering me another instance of trying to offer better service. I think this is a good thing. I’ve often been actively in the process of doing my jobs in the house and had to step back, step aside, move back, redo things that I was doing to yield to the oncoming traffic. And there are a few things to feel about this.
First, I recognize my privilege in this one and realize that women through history have been doing this f o r e v e r. This is nothing foreign to them. Minorities as well. I sometimes see it when I’m the customer at service industry things (hotels, restaurants, etc) and I almost feel bad, but then I know that in some of these places, they’re expected to behave that way. But yes, I recognize that my ignoring this for so long is part of my white male privilege.
Second, I get frustrated. Oh, sometimes it frustrates the hell out of me. “Like, really, I’m trying to do this for YOU, why am I walking back to let you through?” Well, John, you’re moving back because you’re doing it for them, you ninny. Yes, all of it. It’s for them. Do the whole thing for them. You’re not just completing a task, you dolt. You’ve said it before to yourself, that your service is one of the ways in which you’re worshiping them and honoring them, so fucking do it then – all the way! Them coming along and getting “in the way” is not in the way (see point one on this for reminder, John) – it’s part of doing the job. But I do get frustrated. I sometimes cannot help it. I can only try to be better about it in the future and remind myself that the task is from beginning to end and all points in between. And to do the job for the whole job.
And lastly, it really is part of my doing things for people. If I’m not going to let Chloe go by while I carry her clothes upstairs, well, I’m being an idiot and not serving her in the way I should. And I could see where she might sometimes get upset with me and my pushing through with things while I’m doing such things for her. Just plain uncool.
Now, I do need to tack back to the kitchen thing. I don’t know that I can yield too much in the kitchen, particularly on complicated meals. I’m a pretty “mise en place” kind of person in the kitchen. I will proudly state that I’ve made strides in the kitchen, living with foodies. I work much better in a crowded kitchen than I used to. But there are times when I need the focus – and perhaps I need a better way to tell people “Hey, I’m really trying to not fuck this food up, can you come do that later?” or similar – but I’ll work on it. But jeezum, when I’m trying to plate up toast, eggs and the rest of breakfast at the same time for four plates at once, “GTFO da kishun!!!” I can also work on my timing too and get better here.
So, I have noticed I’m yielding much more. I’m certainly showing more deference to women in general. I sometimes get frustrated when I’m yielding, but I’m getting better about dealing with that. I have more work to do.